Scoots and Tanks

Isaac Sierra and Declan Maher

After much deliberation, the Supreme Court ruled against Scoots and Tanks early Sunday morning in a case concerning whether or not scooters were to be ridden through the halls of West Ottawa High School by juniors donning tank tops.

 There has been much debate over the past week on the validity of Scoots And Tanks as the method of celebration for Junior Takeover. The debate first started with a simple discussion in the Class Of 2017 Facebook Group. Within minutes, the group was up in arms, divided over the two-wheeled sin machines and the sleeveless attire.

  Scooter hating luddite John G. Roberts Jr. immediately expressed his appreciation for this ruling. “The day we allow scooters to be ridden in the halls of knowledge and wisdom is the day we compromise our values as a society. We can’t allow this sort of wheely behavior to poison our children’s minds,” he said, standing in front of a local scooter burning organized by Mothers Against Scoots (MAS).

  For others in favor of the ruling, the problem lies not in the Scoots but rather in the Tanks. Cynthia Dirtlesnurt (a concerned community member) worries that the tank-tops may be too scandalous for the school environment. “I just don’t think my kids are ready to be exposed to that way of dressing. Why not scoots and sweaters? Or even scoots and polos? That would be fine. But tanks? Not in my house.”

  Noted scooter enthusiast Ruth Bader Ginsburg argued against the ruling saying “For years, scooterists (much like myself) have been lobbying for schoolwide scooting. Seeing this issue turned down brings a tear to my eye.” The 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice wiped a tear from her cheek and proceeded to hop on her Razor, launching herself off a ramp over the courthouse steps performing a mid-air, no-handed backflip, finishing the move off with a Cali slider while high-fiving a crowd of cheering fans.

  Eventually, despite the protests from MAS, the Supreme Court reviewed their original ruling and decided to allow scooters to be ridden in hallways. However, in order to appease concerned members of the community, students would have to wear jerseys instead of Tanks. Scoots and Tanks may have been officially shut down, but Scoots and Jerseys is an alternative just as fun.