Karalynn Davis

Hydroflask, Owala, and Stanley

Good for you, eco-warrior, for buying a reusable water bottle! Oops! You bought 7, one for each day of the week, silly! What is reusable about that? Poser. 

   Every day, a girl who owns a Hydroflask buys a Stanley cup to fit in with her friends. 

   Every day, a boy fills up his Owala with water from plastic bottles. 

   Every day, a girl pulls up to school with a different colored Hydroflask. 

   Reusable water bottles are great for the environment… when you’re not being a freak about them. It is ironic how bad for the environment reusable water bottles are when they are met with gross overcosumption. 

   Speaking of overconsumption, I have been eavesdropping on this war of sorts. Hydroflasks vs. Owalas vs. Stanleys. 

   HYDROFLASK: You can’t outdo the doer. We are the original and there’s no topping ol’ reliable. Who needs to ‘guzzle’ their water anyway? We come in all sorts of cool colors and we don’t have traces of lead. Not sure if Stanley could say the same. Plus it is widely accepted to put cool stickers on us.”

   STANLEY: “If you can’t afford luxury, that’s okay, get an Owala, but don’t take it out on those of us who can.”

   OWALA: “Whatever! Luxury is a top that you can sip OR guzzle, not to mention a top that doesn’t spill… something you’d know nothing about.” 

   STANLEY: “Luxury is actually being pretty when there isn’t a bug in the consumer’s ears telling them you’re pretty. Something YOU, Owala, know nothing about.”

   UNKNOWN VOICE: “Guys why can’t we all just get along?” 

   STANLEY: “Nobody was even talking to you, Disposable Dasani. Go to the landfill where you belong.”

   DASANI: “I could wash up on a beach someday!”
  STANLEY: “Or end up in a seagulls stomach… get lost, Trash.”

   HYDROFLASK: “Man I am glad I am not like Dasani.” 

   OWALA: “Yeah that’s one thing we agree on.” 

   HYDROFLASK: “I am still better than you both, don’t forget that.” 

   STANLEY: “Let’s agree to disagree, Grandpa.” 

   UNKNOWN FEMININE VOICE: “Hi girlies, you don’t know me yet but you can call me Celcius… Celcie for short!”