CHRIS WILLIAMS: Good afternoon, Mr. Dump. My name is Chris Williams, and these are my colleagues Jonathan Max and Robert Brennan. 

TRONALD DUMP: Nice to meet you, gentlemen.

ROBERT BRENNAN: You can have a seat over there, and we will get started.

JONATHAN MAX: Today, we will ask you a series of questions. We hope to receive honest answers. 

TRONALD DUMP: Of course, of course.

ROBERT BRENNAN: Tell us about yourself.

TRONALD DUMP: I’ve run a number of businesses, hotels, golf courses, very many others. Very many. Most have had success like nobody’s ever seen before.

JONATHAN MAX: Why are you interested in this position? 

TRONALD DUMP: All Christians love me. All of them. I’d be a great pastor- the greatest one.

CHRIS WILLIAMS: What are your strengths and weaknesses? 

TRONALD DUMP: I’m the best there’s ever been; I’m known as “the chosen one.” I don’t have any flaws, frankly. I mean, seriously, look at the other candidates, what good will they do? I’m rich; think about how much money I’ll generate for this church. You’ll get rich.

CHRIS WILLIAMS: I see, and what about your weaknesses, sir?

TRONALD DUMP: [scoffs] Mine? What are yours, Mr. ToughGuy?

ROBERT BRENNAN: We are asking the questions, Mr. Dump.

CHRIS WILLIAMS: Let’s move on, please.

ROBERT BRENNAN: Why do you think you would be a good fit for this church?

TRONALD DUMP: I know I would be an excellent fit. So many Christians love me. They practically worship me. Some of my supporters even made a religion. I was their god. I hope to move that worship toward God.  And I know a lot about the Bible. I probably know more about the Bible than anyone else in the world.

ROBERT BRENNAN: [snickers]

CHRIS WILLIAMS: How did you come to the Lord?

TRONALD DUMP: The Lord came to me, and he said, “Sir, how can you remain so humble, such a very good man when you have so much success in your life?”

CHRIS WILLIAMS: [Inaudible mumble]

ROBERT BRENNAN: What improvements can you make to this church?

TRONALD DUMP: I’m gonna make this church great again. I am a very successful businessman, and the core of the church is a business. No one knows more about running a church than I do. 

JONATHAN MAX: How would you make this church safer for Black, Indigenous, and other people of color? 

TRONALD DUMP: I have a great relationship with the Blacks. They all love me. 

ROBERT MUELLER: [mumbles inaudibly to Williams]

CHRIS WILLIAMS: Why do you think you’re the best candidate for this position?

TRONALD DUMP: Well, let me tell you- Sheepy Jim is not gonna be the new face of this church. Rusty Roger doesn’t even have a valid birth certificate. Musty Arianna is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man; he made a good decision. I am the best candidate for this job. Overall, I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest, and my women are more beautiful.

ROBERT BRENNAN: Excuse me, did you come up with nicknames for other candidates?

TRONALD DUMP: Yes, of course. They are amazing, right? I am very creative. They fit those low-lives pretty well. 

[Max and Brennan exchange looks]

CHRIS WILLIAMS: We were looking over your background information; you have 26 sexual assault allegations against you…26.

[Brennan’s jaw drops]

TRONALD DUMP: Fake News! Fake Ne-

CHRIS WILLIAMS: We also have you on record saying the following, “I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and f*** her. She was married. I moved on her like a b***h, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden, I see her; she’s now got the big, phony t**s and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”

TRONALD DUMP: I don’t know where you even got that recording. It’s fake news. I have so much respect for women. So much respect. Have you seen my daughter Ivanka? I mean, look at how much I respect her. 

JONATHAN MAX: Speaking of your daughter.  We heard that you made remarks about her appearance and how you would date her if you could?

TRONALD DUMP: I just meant that I produced an extremely attractive woman; my genes are blessed!

[Brennan and Max exchange doubtful looks]

ROBERT BRENNAN: Mr. Dump, we find that kind of behavior extremely inappropriate, and that behavior will not be tolerated.

[Dump frowns]

CHRIS WILLIAMS: We also found that in 2019, you posted a tweet about your boss that said, “Why don’t they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came, then come back and show us how it’s done.” 

TRONALD DUMP: He was trying to tell me how to do my job, and as a result, tried to fire me. He has no authority to do that. Any of my people could do better. I could ruin him.

CHRIS WILLIAMS: Ok, that’s enou-

TRONALD DUMP: In fact, you’re fired, Williams.

JONATHAN MAX: Mr. Dump, you can’t do that.

ROBERT BRENNAN: Moving on, Mr. Dump, final question. What will you do to help preserve the safety of this church community?

TRONALD DUMP: I would stop the innocent killing of living babies. I don’t care about the circumstances; abortions should be illegal. It’s disgusting. Anyone who gets an abortion deserves to rot in jail.

[board members nod in unison]

CHRIS WILLIAMS: Thank you for coming in today, Mr. Dump. We appreciate you giving us your time.

TRONALD DUMP: [leaves the room]

JONATHAN MAX: Well, gentlemen, what do you think?

CHRIS WALLACE: I think he will help our wallets out, that’s for sure.

JONATHAN MAX and ROBERT BRENNAN: [nod in unison]

JONATHAN MAX: True, but isn’t he a terrible person?  He has made some very racist remarks and has a crazy amount of sexual assault allegations against him. He never even mentioned how great God is, but he sure did talk about how amazing he is.

ROBERT BRENNAN: But he is pro-life, and the other candidates didn’t even mention the genocide of babies.

CHRIS WALLACE: I agree. His pro-life value trumps everything else. 

ROBERT BRENNAN: He is hired. I’ll organize a rally to celebrate his arrival!

JONATHAN MAX: I’ll order some flags and signs!

Time finish: 15:16