CHRIS WILLIAMS: Good afternoon, Mr. Dump. My name is Chris Williams, and these are my colleagues Jonathan Max and Robert Brennan.
TRONALD DUMP: Nice to meet you, gentlemen.
ROBERT BRENNAN: You can have a seat over there, and we will get started.
JONATHAN MAX: Today, we will ask you a series of questions. We hope to receive honest answers.
TRONALD DUMP: Of course, of course.
ROBERT BRENNAN: Tell us about yourself.
TRONALD DUMP: I’ve run a number of businesses, hotels, golf courses, very many others. Very many. Most have had success like nobody’s ever seen before.
JONATHAN MAX: Why are you interested in this position?
TRONALD DUMP: All Christians love me. All of them. I’d be a great pastor- the greatest one.
CHRIS WILLIAMS: What are your strengths and weaknesses?
TRONALD DUMP: I’m the best there’s ever been; I’m known as “the chosen one.” I don’t have any flaws, frankly. I mean, seriously, look at the other candidates, what good will they do? I’m rich; think about how much money I’ll generate for this church. You’ll get rich.
CHRIS WILLIAMS: I see, and what about your weaknesses, sir?
TRONALD DUMP: [scoffs] Mine? What are yours, Mr. ToughGuy?
ROBERT BRENNAN: We are asking the questions, Mr. Dump.
CHRIS WILLIAMS: Let’s move on, please.
ROBERT BRENNAN: Why do you think you would be a good fit for this church?
TRONALD DUMP: I know I would be an excellent fit. So many Christians love me. They practically worship me. Some of my supporters even made a religion. I was their god. I hope to move that worship toward God. And I know a lot about the Bible. I probably know more about the Bible than anyone else in the world.
ROBERT BRENNAN: [snickers]
CHRIS WILLIAMS: How did you come to the Lord?
TRONALD DUMP: The Lord came to me, and he said, “Sir, how can you remain so humble, such a very good man when you have so much success in your life?”
CHRIS WILLIAMS: [Inaudible mumble]
ROBERT BRENNAN: What improvements can you make to this church?
TRONALD DUMP: I’m gonna make this church great again. I am a very successful businessman, and the core of the church is a business. No one knows more about running a church than I do.
JONATHAN MAX: How would you make this church safer for Black, Indigenous, and other people of color?
TRONALD DUMP: I have a great relationship with the Blacks. They all love me.
ROBERT MUELLER: [mumbles inaudibly to Williams]
CHRIS WILLIAMS: Why do you think you’re the best candidate for this position?
TRONALD DUMP: Well, let me tell you- Sheepy Jim is not gonna be the new face of this church. Rusty Roger doesn’t even have a valid birth certificate. Musty Arianna is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man; he made a good decision. I am the best candidate for this job. Overall, I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest, and my women are more beautiful.
ROBERT BRENNAN: Excuse me, did you come up with nicknames for other candidates?
TRONALD DUMP: Yes, of course. They are amazing, right? I am very creative. They fit those low-lives pretty well.
[Max and Brennan exchange looks]
CHRIS WILLIAMS: We were looking over your background information; you have 26 sexual assault allegations against you…26.
[Brennan’s jaw drops]
TRONALD DUMP: Fake News! Fake Ne-
CHRIS WILLIAMS: We also have you on record saying the following, “I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and f*** her. She was married. I moved on her like a b***h, but I couldn’t get there, and she was married. Then all of a sudden, I see her; she’s now got the big, phony t**s and everything. She’s totally changed her look.”
TRONALD DUMP: I don’t know where you even got that recording. It’s fake news. I have so much respect for women. So much respect. Have you seen my daughter Ivanka? I mean, look at how much I respect her.
JONATHAN MAX: Speaking of your daughter. We heard that you made remarks about her appearance and how you would date her if you could?
TRONALD DUMP: I just meant that I produced an extremely attractive woman; my genes are blessed!
[Brennan and Max exchange doubtful looks]
ROBERT BRENNAN: Mr. Dump, we find that kind of behavior extremely inappropriate, and that behavior will not be tolerated.
[Dump frowns]
CHRIS WILLIAMS: We also found that in 2019, you posted a tweet about your boss that said, “Why don’t they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came, then come back and show us how it’s done.”
TRONALD DUMP: He was trying to tell me how to do my job, and as a result, tried to fire me. He has no authority to do that. Any of my people could do better. I could ruin him.
CHRIS WILLIAMS: Ok, that’s enou-
TRONALD DUMP: In fact, you’re fired, Williams.
JONATHAN MAX: Mr. Dump, you can’t do that.
ROBERT BRENNAN: Moving on, Mr. Dump, final question. What will you do to help preserve the safety of this church community?
TRONALD DUMP: I would stop the innocent killing of living babies. I don’t care about the circumstances; abortions should be illegal. It’s disgusting. Anyone who gets an abortion deserves to rot in jail.
[board members nod in unison]
CHRIS WILLIAMS: Thank you for coming in today, Mr. Dump. We appreciate you giving us your time.
TRONALD DUMP: [leaves the room]
JONATHAN MAX: Well, gentlemen, what do you think?
CHRIS WALLACE: I think he will help our wallets out, that’s for sure.
JONATHAN MAX and ROBERT BRENNAN: [nod in unison]
JONATHAN MAX: True, but isn’t he a terrible person? He has made some very racist remarks and has a crazy amount of sexual assault allegations against him. He never even mentioned how great God is, but he sure did talk about how amazing he is.
ROBERT BRENNAN: But he is pro-life, and the other candidates didn’t even mention the genocide of babies.
CHRIS WALLACE: I agree. His pro-life value trumps everything else.
ROBERT BRENNAN: He is hired. I’ll organize a rally to celebrate his arrival!
JONATHAN MAX: I’ll order some flags and signs!
Time finish: 15:16
