West Ottawan Satire: I deserve a rocket launcher


Mac Strobel

After the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, John Daniel Davidson, who writes for The Federalist, floated the notion that there are things “more important than safety.”  I could only guess that he was referring to my intense and patriotic desire to be properly armed.

  Republican leaders have stood up for my right to own an AR-15. In fact, their arguments are so powerful that I believe I will soon be able to fulfill my lifetime wish to go one step farther and own a rocket launcher. They are so persuasive that the obvious next step, now that I can attain an AR-15 when I turn 18, will be a wider range of weapons available to the public, such as a rocket launcher.

  The National Rifle Association (NRA) published “10 reasons to own an AR-15.”  Their arguments are irrefutably sensible, and they equally apply to my dream of owning a rocket launcher.

  “Gun-banners would have you believe the AR-15 isn’t useful for home defense, but they couldn’t be more wrong.” NRA commentator and former Navy SEAL Dom Raso, who now trains individuals in self-defense, said it best: “For the vast majority of the people I work with, there is no better firearm to defend their homes against realistic threats than an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. It’s easy to learn and easy to use. It’s accurate. It’s reliable.”

  Rifles may be good for home defense, but just think about a rocket launcher.  Nobody who can rub two neurons together will even think about messing with somebody packing that kind of explosive heat.  In fact, they won’t even look at that person funny, let alone put a toe on their lawn. Rocket launcher owners could sleep peacefully knowing that nobody within a mile of their house will create any disturbance whatsoever out of fear of death by explosion.

  “The AR-15 is an excellent all-around rifle for farmers and ranchers to carry in their trucks for predator control or other utilitarian uses. Excellent accuracy combined with good magazine capacity is enough to put the hurt on a pack of coyotes preying on calves or lambs—or on wild hogs tearing up your alfalfa or wheat field. An AR-15 is also handy for farmers and ranchers to have on hand in remote areas should they run into those who would do ill to them.”

  If some dinky metal bullets will drive a nuisance away, why not utterly decimate them.  A rocket launcher would be far superior for farmers. If they came across a wild pack of coyotes, they wouldn’t need to get a few shots off. They could obliterate the whole pack with one well-aimed shot. Also, in many remote areas of America where cannibals and others “would do ill” to innocent people, why not take advantage of the blast radius from a rocket launcher.

  “The fact that shooting this rifle is easy and tons of fun also makes it great for starting out new shooters, regardless of age. I’ve yet to take a beginner—young or old—out to shoot an AR-15 without them getting a huge smile on their face after the first magazine.”

  If a son or daughter is smiling after their first magazine from a tiny rifle, think about what they would be doing after launching their first rocket. Why would anyone choose to shoot a few small holes in a piece of paper when, instead, they could completely destroy a car, or even a house, with one glorious well placed shot? The weapon may have a bit more recoil and a larger learning curve, but that huge grin the child will get while the ash falls and smoke rises around them will be well worth it.

  “Regardless of why we, as Americans, choose to own AR-15 rifles, we will always face the scoffers—Second Amendment deniers who would be happy to take away our right to own any gun. In the end, we don’t need to puzzle for answers to anyone who rudely asks us, “Why do you need an AR-15?” Instead, we should simply ask our own question: “Why should the government be able to deny us the constitutionally protected right to own one?”

  This statement speaks volumes to my case. I, due to my Second Amendment rights, should be able to own any weapon, regardless of killing power. The people of this country should continue to abide by the same words that were written in a document hundreds of years ago in a time where the only firearm took 10 minutes to reload and fired a round pellet. This type of weapon is easily comparable to that of either an AR-15 or, more importantly, a military-grade rocket launcher. The Constitution states that we, as Americans, have the right to bear arms. Be it a musket or a rocket launcher, it is our right and no one can deny us this freedom.