Today, I am going to take you on an adventure, exploring the fact that cats and boyfriends are essentially the same.

  I did a set of experiments on both my lovely cat and my wonderfully tall boyfriend to prove that they are the basically the same. By comparing the similarities and differences of my results, I came up with an accurate set of data proving my hypothesis to be true: my cat and my boyfriend are very similar.

Experiment 1: Feeding

I feed my cat every day, and she scarfs down the cardboard-looking fish-shaped “food” pieces like they are her last meal. This isn’t atypical, and is an everyday occurrence. I made cookies for my boyfriend and fed him, with the results being about the same: he scarfed it down like it was the best cookie he’s had. And it probably was. I bake great cookies.

Experiment 2: Picking up

I am small and my cat is a lot smaller which makes it really easy for me to pick her up. Which is nice, because it makes it easier for me to trap her so I can pet her. I tried to pick up my boyfriend, which was very difficult, probably because I’m 5’6” and he’s 6’1”. It didn’t work too well. He thought I was just squeezing him, but in reality I was trying hard to lift him like I do with my cat. This was discouraging.

Experiment 3: Face pets

I really love petting my cat. It’s all I do while I’m home. Sometimes, however, I spice it up with a face pet. This is where I literally rub my face in her face until she gets too irritated and walks away. It’s so soft and fuzzy, I love petting her with my face. I did this to my boyfriend and attempted to pet his face with mine. While it was kinda awkward, his stubble felt nice so it was cool. For me, at least. Both of them think I’m really weird and usually pull away from my face pet.

Experiment 4: Feeling toes/paws/feet

One thing I love most about my cat are her little feet. Her little toe beans are the cutest things. As much as I love touching her little beans, she hates me doing it with an equal amount. Since she’s declawed, she hates having her paws touched, and will usually hide her paws from me when I try to touch them. My boyfriend had two different reactions; I figured I had to touch his hands as well as his feet, for the sake of science. Touching his hands he didn’t mind, we usually hold hands like most people so he didn’t really think anything of it. Touching his feet, however, drew automatic parallels with my cat. It turns out that he hates having people touch his feet; the thrashing and panicked yelling gave that one away.

Experiment 5: Cat noises

My cat makes really weird humming noises as she falls asleep, and if I make them back to her, she responds. It’s like a weird conversation we have. On my side, my humming is saying “You’re so cute, I love you” and her side is probably more along the lines of “Please stop making noises and let me sleep, human.” Either way, it’s cute. My boyfriend makes a lot of weird noises or says weird things too, even while he’s awake, like most people. He really likes to say “So nice” in a really weird, prolonged voice. It’s hilarious. When I do it back to him, he says it again, and we basically “Soooo niceeee” each other back and forth for a while until one of us stops. He is my cat. They are the same.

Experiment 6/7: Cat voice/Compliments

I think everyone has their “cat voice” or “dog voice” that they use, kind of like the talk you do to babies. My stepdad has once described my cat voice as me “sounding like [I’m]you’re trying to communicate with a dolphin, really loudly.” As you can imagine, it’s not very flattering. But, I think it’s the best way to communicate to my cat to tell her how much I love her, how cute she is, how soft she is, how nice her little feet are, etc. She usually reacts with a dirty look. You know the one, the look that cat lovers know well and the one that cat haters think is the only thing a cat does. Usually, she moves away about three feet from me too. It’s tough love. Naturally, I did this to my boyfriend using the same phrases verbatim and his reactions were much  the same, except for the fact that he can talk back. “What are you doing this for? This is so weird,” he said as I pet his hair and told him how cute he is in a loud, high-pitched voice. “Why are you talking to me like you talk to your cat?” he asked. He knows me too well. Compliments are a huge part of my cat voice, too. Telling my cat she’s cute over and over gets me a glare and she shifts away from me, but my boyfriend is better than my cat in this way, because he says “You’re cute too, Lexi, yes. Thank you,” before getting slightly annoyed. I know I’m cute.

I’ve now scientifically proven that cats and boyfriends are totally, without any doubt, the same. In all of my experiments, besides experiment 2 because I couldn’t really do that one fully, my cat and boyfriend proved themselves to be one and the same. Looking at the data, it’s obvious that they react in very similar fashions and, therefore, probably think a lot alike too (i.e. where’s my food, can someone give me attention, I think I’m going to annoy this human for no reason, etc.). My boyfriend is actually a cat.