As a working woman, I have become highly aware of everything a man does. I am aware of the hand he places on my hip, the jokes he makes that aren’t funny, the names he calls me, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes.
I have been working at a local restaurant for almost two years. I love the people I work with, the friends I’ve made, the feeling of accomplishment, and the work ethic my job gave me. But one aspect I don’t like is one of the lessons my job taught me: some men don’t respect women in the workplace.
When I try to think of a time a man made me feel uneasy at work, I don’t think of one occurrence, I think of a list. Since I started working at the age of 15, I have often felt disrespected by men.
Inappropriate jokes and comments are often the way I feel mistreated. From being called a “bad girl”, “sweet thing”, “darling” to jokes made about how I probably talk to a lot of boys or probably go on a lot of dates. All these comments occur often when I work. And almost always these comments are coming from a man who is old enough to be my father or my grandfather.
I’m usually able to just ignore these incidents and pretend I’m not uncomfortable, but I’m always met with the feeling of frustration. I’m frustrated because men think these remarks are funny and okay. And I’m very frustrated because I’ve never seen a man call one of my male coworkers “sweetheart” or “darling.”
I too often see my female coworkers have to laugh at jokes that are sexist and not funny or answer uncomfortable questions. I was working behind the bar and a man aked me “How much do you eat?” “Do you not eat that much?” “Do you eat a lot?” I just laughed and pretended I wasn’t totally offended the man at the bar felt the need to ask me these questions that he would never ask a man.
Sometimes I can’t tell if a man really doesn’t mean to be rude or just thinks being rude is funny. And I can’t tell if a man is trying to make me feel discomfort or doesn’t realize he is. Like when a toddler boy gave me a hug and his father said, “Look at him go for that girl, like father like son.” Did his father intend for his comment to be a joke about his son or an inappropriate remark to make himself look like a “player”?
These “jokes” cross a line. They can be sexualizing and harassing. One time I handed a man a pager so I could page him when his table was ready. The pagers that my work uses light up and vibrate when paged. The pager started vibrating and the man said “Wow, it’s like a vibrator, can I shove this down my pants?” I couldn’t even fake laugh because the joke made me so uncomfortable.
Another unfortunate part about my work is the logo on the back of our employee shirts, “Eat, Meat, Repeat.” I get how my shirt is funny, I think it’s funny too. But when people stop me while I’m working to make turn around so they can laugh at a woman wearing a shirt that says “Eat, Meat, Repeat”, the joke gets old. And that makes me feel like people are sexualizing my employee uniform and laughing at me, not just the shirt.
I run into a lot is harassing behavior. I’ve especially noticed an increase in harassing behavior since I’ve gotten older, from coworkers and customers. Since I turned 17, one of my coworkers started joking around with me much more. But some of these jokes go too far: moaning my name, singing my name in songs, sticking his fingers in my ears, or petting my face.
Physical touch is a big issue. Men seem to think that they have the right to touch women and invade their personal space. Even if they don’t mean to make the woman they are touching uncomfortable, a stranger’s touch can do just that.
When I was bussing tables and I was bent over in the booth cleaning the seat, a male customer came behind me and put his hand on my hip. He may have seen his touch as a way to get my attention. But from my perspective, I was bent over and a man came up behind me and touched my lower hip. I could not see him, he did not say anything, and he felt that was okay to touch me there.
And I’ve noticed that many men feel they have to be close to women when they are talking to them. I don’t even know how many men have come behind the host stand and stood by me or one of my female coworkers, when customers are just supposed to stand on the other side of the desk. Men come behind the desk and stand with women while we are just trying to do our jobs. When once again, I have never seen a male customer come behind the desk to stand with one of my male coworkers or touch one of my male coworker’s hips.
The last feeling I want to experience at work is discomfort. I have felt that multiple times. I always try to convince myself all these occurrences were in my head. But there are some moments that can’t be ignored. Like when I was walking down an alley and a truck followed behind me all the way down, with the man smiling at me. Or when a man over double my age asked me out.
I do realize that many men don’t have the intention to make women uncomfortable. But men should learn to be aware of how their jokes and actions can be perceived.
I am very lucky with where I work where they go out of their way to make sure their employees are safe. There are nine female managers who understand these situations and how to help handle them. There are also many male cooks that go out of their way to walk me to my car and make sure I get home safely.
But for women who don’t have that support system, how should they react when put in these situations? A search online shows there are many ways to protect oneself from physical assault. But there is minimal on verbal assault.
Sometimes having no reaction is the only option. Reacting can cause the man to become embarrassed or uncomfortable because of the woman’s reaction. And the boss could get mad that a scene was caused. This is not an option.
Situational awareness seems to be key to navigating situations a woman might find herself in. Figuring out whether a man is making an inappropriate or unfunny joke that just deserves a fake laugh or whether someone needs to be notified about what a man is doing is how women will get through work. But how much is too much? How does one decide? This is a question that many women face and are unsure of the answer. This question would not be an issue if men just stopped all inappropriate behavior.
The sad reality is women just have to take disturbing treatment. The hand on the hip, the names, the jokes. By not reacting, male customers will never feel bad or a scene won’t be caused. I hope that one day, men will learn their own form of situational awareness. I hope men learn where and when jokes are okay to be made. And how to act towards women in the workplace.
