The epic highs and lows of high school football


Fiona Das


The Archie Comics were published over 75 years ago, yet its adaption and legacy has become unforgettable in modern television today. Riverdale was a fresh new teen drama adapted from the Archie Comics and premiered on CW on January 26, 2017. Season one consisted of “the town’s golden boy’s” mysterious death by drowning as Archie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead investigate the murder and conspiracies while juggling high school. The show generally received positive reviews during its first season but…it went downhill from there. The writers often make up the plotline as a new season approaches because in what world do 15/16 year olds solve murders better than the FBI, make RUM, open up a speakeasy, fight a bear…and WIN? Exactly. None. I bring you…Riverdale’s 10 most absurd moments. 

10)   “I am the daughter of the Black Hood.”

The Black Hood is shown to be a ruthless and notorious killer in season 2 of Riverdale…he is also Betty Cooper’s dad, Hal Cooper.  

Betty is shown to be speaking to Donna Sweet, a classmate of Jughead at the prestigious Stonewall Prep. Let’s just say Donna Sweet isn’t so sweet as the episodes follow up to the predicament of Jughead’s attack. Here is what Betty Cooper had to say to her. “I am the daughter of the black hood, the nightmare of next door. I’m training with the FBI and I am coming for you, you psycho b*itch.” She should have just stopped at “daughter of the black hood.” Apparently, the FBI likes to recruit 16 year olds with no special training or knowledge whatsoever. But hey, as long as your long lost supposedly DEAD half brother is a part of the FBI, it’s okay, right?

9) “My dead brother still lives here.” Season 1 of Riverdale starts off with the mysterious drowning of Jason Blossom, Cheryl Blossom’s brother. Throughout the seasons, we can see how mournful Cheryl becomes, but she took it to the next level in season 4. After the whole harvesting of organs, The Farm cult, and the gargoyle king plotline, Cheryl decides to keep her dead, rotting brother’s corpse in her chapel as she copes by talking to him. The most preposterous thing is that her brother passed away three years ago and surprisingly his flesh hasn’t gotten rotten.

8) “Mobsters and Molls” (whatever that is) Riverdale’s choice of vocabulary doesn’t go unnoticed by many viewers considering the fact that no teenager ever talks the way that they do. Here is an ACTUAL conversation between Veronica Lodge and Archie Andrews. “Speaking of, there is one thing I wanted to tell you.” “What’s that?” “Word of my exploits serving Nick his comeuppance has seeped into the demimonde of mobsters and molls my father used to associate with…” W- whatever the hell this means. I swear she studies Shakespeare.

7) “The Gargoyle King.” Season 3 of Riverdale introduced a gruesome board game called Gryphons and Gargoyles. The board game consisted of an “enchanter” and “enchantress” to complete the game obstacles in order to “meet the gargoyle king” at the end of the last round, which always leads to the player’s death. The gang soon becomes trapped into the GG madness and Betty gets sent off into an asylum by her deranged mother. There, she tries to unravel the truth behind the board game but is quickly restrained by the evil residents. She is confined in a room where she “meets” the gargoyle king and says…”my king, my savior, drag me through the night, bless me with your darkness, gift me with your flight.” H-how did a mystery teen drama show turn into…this?

6) “Jailhouse Rock.” The iconic Elvis Presley song turned disastrous during this scene of Riverdale. Archie has been framed and put into juvie by Veronica’s father, Hyram. While in juvie, Veronica, Cheryl, Josie, and the rest of the cheerleading team decide to perform a dance number for some reason. As they are dancing, the inmates are seen to be rocking and shaking the fence to watch them perform and as a way of showing excitement. This made many viewers uncomfortable knowing that the girls are literally 15-16 and majority of the inmates are very old.

5) “Avengers: Endgame.” Archie and Veronica have shown to be very affectionate towards each other in the show…and by that I mean that they will literally have sex during the most crucial situations ever. I’m talking about a day after Archie’s dad got shot and they just went at it in the shower after coming back from the hospital. They have also had intercourse while Archie was literally in juvie. I mean…more power to them but I don’t think I’ve seen them have an actual meaningful conversation together. Well, I’m not sure if this scene counts but here we go. After Archie escapes prison, he becomes paranoid that Veronica’s father will hunt him down again, so he runs away from Riverdale and calls Veronica from a pay phone. Veronica bursts into tears and says…”because we’re endgame, Archie.” In my four years of high school, I have NEVER heard any couple say that they’re endgame unironically.

4) “I Don’t Fit In and I Don’t Wanna Fit In.” Now who can forget the infamous “pick me” line by Jughead? Jughead discusses the hierarchy of high school and proceeds to say…”Betty in case you couldn’t tell, I’m weird, I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in and I don’t wanna fit in.” Boy, you have solved like 5 murder mysteries, is best friends with the richest girls in town, and dated the most popular girl, be quiet.

3) “And BETTYYYYYY.” Riverdale has its fair share of “musicals,” if we’re being nice. Musicals like Carrie and Heathers have gained a lot of attention. But one in particular has put the cherry on top of the cringiest performance ever. Archie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead perform “Midnight Radio,” and I can’t get through the first half. The gang dedicates the song to each of their friends including each other but in an offbeat tune which makes it even funnier.

2) “Mad World.” In this very scene of Riverdale, Betty wants to join the Serpents gang so she can help Jughead. In order to be the Serpent queen, Betty has to perform a very seductive dance called the “serpent dance” in order to prove her worth. While singing “Mad World,” Betty strips into lingerie and dances on a pole making it the most controversial and absurd moment in Riverdale ever acknowledging the fact that she is a minor dancing in front of grown men. I have to skip this scene every time because w-what made her think that this was a good idea? Then, she wonders why Jughead broke up with her at the end of the episode.

1)“The Triumphs and Defeats of High School Football.” Last but not least, the funniest scene of Riverdale to ever exist. Archie remains in juvie and recruits his inmates to create a plan in order for them to escape. Archie says, “If we weren’t here, we’d be in high school joining clubs and trying out for sports.” His inmate friend then says “Not me, I dropped out in the fourth grade to sell drugs, to support my nanna,” and Archie responds with… “Then you haven’t experienced the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows of high school football.” I- I don’t even need to explain this because it is self explanatory. I want to have whatever the writers were smoking because why did they think that a 10 year old selling drugs would be considered “badass?”

Although Riverdale has its fair share of cringe worthy scenes, I still rewatch seasons 1-4 every single day because it makes me feel like I am somewhat of a normal person in real life. Even though I thought of myself as Veronica Lodge freshman year because we are both from New York is disgustingly embarrassing. We’re not going to talk about season 5 and 6 because well…something about a five year time jump and zombies and la llorona became the plotline. Seriously, the writers are genuinely smoking crack and making these things up along the way.